So I kinda touched on this in my intro posts but I felt I should elaborate anyway.
I don’t really have any specific hopes for this blog. I hope that I keep it up. I hope that I can use it as a outlet for any negative thoughts and anxiety that I’m feeling rather than getting inside my head too much. I hope that I can turn my rants into mildly funny posts, as when I’m struggling with my mental health I also tend to get very irritable along with my low moods.
I hope that me being open about my mental health makes just one other human feel a little bit less alone. I know that before I came across anyone else talk about it I felt like a freak. Why is everyone else coping and I can’t? Does that make me weak/pathetic? Now I know that dealing with life’s pressures alongside dealing with depression & all the demons that brings makes me incredibly strong.
I hope that reading my drivel is fun for at least some of you. Not everyone will like it, I’ve always been an acquired taste.
So if you’re reading this, thanks very much. I’m absolutely thrilled you have to you. Xxx
A don’t really know if I can do a ‘confession’ as such as I’m quite an honest person really – this closet is near enough skeleton free! But I will open up about something for you.
I’m about to go through a couple changes and I’m really quite nervous. My second year at university has come to an end and I’ll soon be moving back home with my parents and I’m looking to commute next year, so living at home again will be a big change. Sometimes I think that moving back in with them is a bit of a step backwards but I try to remind myself that I’ve only just turned 20, and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Besides, I genuinely enjoy their company (when I’m not being mega moody).
I’m also about to start a new job. I’ve only ever had one job before and I had it from literally the moment I turned 16 (I interviewed at 15 and they told me I could start right after my birthday) up until last week. It would’ve been easy to stay just because I’m so comfortable there but I’m also looking forward to the challenge, learning some new skills and being in a different pool of people (as socially awkward as I am).
I’m restarting driving lessons after my last disastrous lot. My instructor was not a very nice man but that’s another story for another post. Driving makes me really nervous but I’m hoping that as I get better at it I’ll also get more confident. I’m starting again with an instructor that a friend recommended to me so hopefully I’ll get on better this time round!
I’m also just starting to feel a bit anxious about the upcoming final year of my degree. There’s just so much riding on this year. I’m trying to minimise my anxiety by getting some ideas flowing about my dissertation now so I don’t waste too much of third year planning something that could’ve already been planned if that makes sense.
So there we go, I’m very scared. I know that trying my best to keep my mental health up these coming months is going to be absolutely vital but I got this, and so do you.
We’re gonna throw it waaaaaaay back for this embarrassing confession. Now anyone that knows me knows that I embarrass myself on pretty much a daily basis, it’s basically a part of my personality. So I thought take you back to my childhood for this standout moment.
Picture the scene, I was really young, just 4 years old, on a family holiday to Butlins. So as is common at Butlins there were some characters on stage and they invited a bunch of children, including myself, on stage. So we did whatever, I’m guessing we like sung a song together or something, is there they sent us all back down to sit with our families again. Now to get off the stage you had to go down these steps and all the other kids were bigger than me. So the host lady offered to just lift me down. Now 4-year old me wasn’t very trusting and took a while to take the plunge. However, unfortunately just as I took the plunge and walked into her arms, she thought I wasn’t having any of it and walked away. Instead, I plunged to the floor.
Cue a very public concussion for myself. 16 years on its a story that still haunts me and regularly gets laughs from my family.
I’m British so I’m going to assume this post is inviting me to detail what it in my wardrobe rather than being a coming out space? Anyways this is going to seem like a bit of a mixed bag but that’s because it’s my university closet/wardrobe and space is limited! If there is no picture at the end of this post, then that means I had a look at my wardrobe after writing it and decided it was not fit for public viewing!
Okay so my wardrobe has stuff on top of the wardrobe itself so I’ll start there. Up there (and I have to stand on my desk chair to get it down) I have my duvet (because the UK is experiencing a rare heatwave), my laptop bag and a box with my spare bedding and towels.
Then inside the wardrobe itself we have the top shelf (that I also need to assistance of a chair to access) and on there are all my hoodies (stashed away due to the aforementioned heatwave), all my jeans, pyjamas (at the very front of the shelf to make them more easily accessible) and a few random clothing items that stay better off of hangers.
Then down the right hand side we have to two shelves so that makes 3 spaces if that makes sense. The top one contains gym leggings, tops, gym underwear (thick ankle socks and big, 100% cotton knickers – I’m not about pulling a thong out of my butt mid-workout). The second one is the rest of my bras and knickers, tights, anything like that. The bottom one is larger and that’s where I throw all my shoes and bags. I also have my little heater here, and in winter my fan was there instead.
Then to the left is the actual clothes rail featuring a whole variety of items (of which I tend to rotate the same 5-6). As this is so high up there’s a big space underneath it so I kinda just store random food there. Like cereal I haven’t opened yet, new cartridges for my water filter, unopened crisp bags (that’s ‘chips’ for any American folk out there!), porridge sachets, unopened alcohol that doesn’t fit in the fridge, emergency tea bags (could I be more British?) and unopened whey protein. Kitchen cupboard space is very limited here at university.
Guess I was feeling brave enough to let you all have peek (I promise that’s not my idea of ‘tidy’).
So I’m going to approach this post in two ways. The first will be something that is widely accepted to be a talent and the other will be drunken party trick (which I would argue is indefinitely a talent but potentially not everyone would agree).
So the (accepted) talent that I have is that I sing. Even a lot of people close to me that know I sing don’t know I’m very good at it because I get THE WORST stage fright EVER. Literally even in front of my closest friends/family. I had singing lessons at school and it was months before I could even confidently work on a scale with my singing teacher. As my music GCSE came with a performance exams we used to do practice performances in front of our class (of just 10, very nice pupils) every 6 weeks and I was also terrified. I couldn’t open my eyes till the end of the song. Even when I rehearsed in front of my mum she wasn’t allowed to look at me.
I remember one time I wanted to really challenge myself but I auditioned for a solo in our school concert and was put in the programme to sing Lana Del Rey – Video Games. We had a rehearsal that afternoon and I froze so badly, I barely got the words out and it sounded relatively awful. I could tell everyone was nervous for me but they (terribly) pretended it was fine I just needed to ‘project more’ or ‘be more confident’ they’d say. When it came down to the performance I ran an earphone bud up my shirt so I could hear the original track whilst the audience could hear the instrumental and pretended that I just singing along to Lana in my bedroom. Somehow, I pulled it off.
It’s just always frustrated me so much because I love to sing more than anything but try as I might, I just can’t get it together in front of a crowd (childhood dreams crushed right here).
I’m not too sure how to best explain my other talent/party trick and as it involves my butt, I’ll refrain from adding any demonstration pictures. Basically, you know how when you tense your butt your cheeks like go in? Well I can do that one cheek at a time, and I thought everyone could, till my friends informed me this was incorrect. I can also do it with my knees, with I’ve found more people can do but still not everybody!
Let me know your talents/party tricks – hidden or otherwise!
Okay I’m not going to get too specific with this post because I know it’ll just read as though I’m draggingggggg an ex-boyfriend/friend/whatever. But its not ‘dragging’ if its true, right?
Honestly I’m not really a ‘regrets’ person. Like yeah I do some dumb stuff but I’m usually able to just go ‘ahhh that was a bad decisions wasn’t it hahaha’. I think this is just going to sound very generic as I know lots of people would answer this post the same but honestly my biggest regret is just putting up with things for longer than I had to, and trying to keep toxic people in my life.
I’m sure you all know what I mean. That guy that’s not even notice to you but you just reeeeeeally like him? That friends you keep making effort with for it to never be reciprocated? Late know phone calls listening to friends going to through hard times, but never quite remember to ask how you are? Who even has the energy? (Answer: not 20 year old me, but teenage me appeared to have plenty of energy for it all).
I think it’s just part and parcel of growing up though right?
Well I’m glad they got specific at the end there before I went off on one about magnetism (kidding, I don’t know anything anyway). Gah this post is going to be so cringe and I don’t even know if my single ass is qualified to be writing it anyway but here’s a lil list:
- Intelligence, but I don’t necessarily mean academic intelligence like there are so many different types. I like people that know things that I don’t know
- Easy going, because I’m so uptight
- But also reliable, to help my anxietyyyyy
- Funny AF, cause you know I can’t be cracking alllllll the jokes myself
- Older and taller. God that sounds shallow.
- Kind. Sounds obvious, but I’ve dated people that weren’t very kind and it’s not very good for me.
I’m gonna wrap this up now because it gets even more embarrassing.